An Apology To USG Solar Panels

use panel and aliens guy

Whatever you do, never expose a USG Universal Solar Panel to light.

I would like to humbly apologize to USG solar panels, or to give them their full name, Universal Solar Group.

In the article I wrote about them back in February I pointed out how horrible their written warranty was.  I made a sincere, concerted effort to make it clear it required around two or three hundred dollars in unnecessary maintenance every three months.

But I didn’t stop there.  I profligately expended my carefully hoarded reservoirs of mental energy to convey the information that keeping their wretched warranty intact for 30 years could cost over $28,500 in today’s money.

I endeavored to elucidate readers on how quality panels do not require such warranty conditions.  I endeavored to elucidate so hard.

And I ended my Herculean effort by imparting the wisdom I had won from years of experience dealing with solar spruikers, which was to never use these panels and tell those who suggest installing them to go to hell.

But I now see that after all the time and effort I spent writing the article, after an eternity of creating draft after draft to ensure its words would crackle like lightning in the minds of men and sear like fire in the minds of women, after printing out countless variations so Tonto 23 could determine which one tasted the best, after hours of consultations with quite possibly the most intelligent 8 year old I have ever given birth to, I realize I have failed and my failure is great.  I have failed my readers, myself, and most of all I have failed Universal Solar Group.

My failure occurred because not once in that article did I tell people the most important thing about USG panels, despite the fact it had been staring me right in the face the whole time, but I stumbled blindly by and left revelation lying in the dust.

So I apologize humbly and unreservedly for failing to inform you of a mind expanding piece of information.  I can’t believe I let the most important thing about USG solar panels simply slip by.

I know I’ve failed a lot in my life.  Broken marriages… broken fingers… 22 dead horses all named Tonto… owning Justin Bieber’s entire discography… but I’ll never live this one down.

The Most Important Thing About USG Solar Panels

The most important thing about USG panels was sitting right there in their warranty, among the long list of things that would render it void, clear as day, for everyone to see.  And I’ll show it to you right now in this screen shot:

USG warranty conditions

And there it is.  The most important thing about USG panels is right there in front of you.

What’s that?  You say you don’t see it?  Really?  I think you’re just saying that to make me feel better.  But none-the-less, I’ll humor you and blow up the relevant section:

The Most Important Thing!

There you have it.  The most important thing about USG panels.  These panels, these solar panels, have their warranty voided if they are damaged by lighting.  Just take a minute to think about that.

There would be no reason to say their warranty would be void if they were damaged by lighting unless it was possible for lighting to damage them.  So the only logical conclusion is Universal Solar Group has made solar panels that can be damaged by light.  It’s the only explanation that fits.

We Can Only Pray They Come In Peace

I’m not about to suggest that some factory in China actually makes solar panels that can be damaged by light.  That that would be ludicrous.  We have to consider more rational explanations and there is only one that makes sense.  When you look at the other crazy requirements of the USG warranty, the need for maintenance every 3 months, the requirement that a highly trained professional waste their time cleaning them, and above all else the very name of the company itself – Universal Solar Group, the one explanation that fits becomes clear.  These panels are not of this world.  They are made by aliens.

Aliens!

I don’t know where the beings behind Universal Solar Group come from, but clearly their understanding of humanity is limited.  And I don’t know what kind of world their solar panels are designed for.  Perhaps they are meant for installation beneath the murky atmosphere of Saturn’s moon Titan.

There, at 10 times the distance the earth is from the sun, below a thick atmosphere of permanently unbroken haze, the panels would be quite safe from what we call “light”.  The wavelengths that reach the surface of that strange world would be quite different from those that reach our eyes.  Perhaps only a few watts per square meter would reach those panels, so no wonder their maintenance schedule requires them to be regularly checked for anything that could shade them and for it to be removed.  Every erg of energy could be vital.

And no wonder they need a highly qualified professional to go out and perform maintenance.  The survival of the alien colony could depend upon it.  Between the methane rain and plumes of water and ammonia from cryovolcanos, perhaps maintenance and cleaning really is required every three months.  Or perhaps the months are based on Saturn’s orbit, making three of their months equal to seven of our years.

Cleaning panels may be the most prestigious activity in their culture and performed by high ranking individuals.  It is even conceivable they obtain some kind of religious ecstasy from it.  This may be exactly what they are trying to share with us – their religion.

Before I realized the truth, I thought their panels were just crap, but now I know they are actually meant for another world, I see they are extraordinary examples of interplanetary craftsmanship and I thank them for sharing their technology with us.

I don’t know why they have come to earth, but now I know what they must be, I’d like to extend my hand in friendship to Universal Solar Group and hope they extend their hand, claw, tentacle, pseudopod, or sucker, in return.

But Karen Carpenter can express these sentiments far better than I can:

About Ronald Brakels

Many years ago now, Ronald Brakels was born in Toowoomba. He first rose to international prominence when his township took up a collection to send him to Japan, which was the furthest they could manage with the money they raised. He became passionately interested in environmental matters upon his return to Australia when the local Mayor met him at the airport and explained it was far too dangerous for him to return to Toowoomba on account of climate change and mutant attack goats. Ronald then moved to a property in the Adelaide Hills where he now lives with his horse, Tonto 23.

Comments

  1. Marc Talloen says

    Lol Ronald, I’m wondering where you keep getting that inspiration from, very amusing! The way you can spin stuff you could score high in politics…

  2. Colin Spencer says

    Most of the damage exclusions are reasonable cause for insurance claims. Warranty is meant to cover manufacturing defects or fault, not accidental, incidental or any other external cause of damage, including lightening. The Trade Practices Act states that “the product must be suitable for the purpose intended and be so for a reasonable period” The manufacturer’s warranty means very little at all, over and above that legal requirement. The same goes for parts of your new car. Even if the manufacturer’s warranty has expired in terms of distance travelled or time since purchase, parts that should not have failed should also be warranted. Warranties are necessarily uncomplicated, and are usually preceded with the qualification that “not withstanding the consumers rights under state or federal law…….”. So warranty is basically for a reasonable period. It is for manufacturing defects or faults (including design faults, of course), and the product must be suitable for the purpose for which it was intended. End of story.

    • Randall Mathews says

      I think Colin missed it Ronald. Could it be that your fabled dry wit is not apparent to all?

    • Maurice Mooney says

      Colin evidently needs to visit Specsavers. In Victoria, sunlight (lighting) normally powers solar panels. High energy electrical discharges normally produce lightening!
      One can only trust that Universal Solar Group have engineers who are better trained and skilled than their work colleagues in the sales/marketing division,

  3. Yes Minister says

    Hmmmmmm. My panels have seen no shortage of lightning (dunno about lightening) and still work fine. Maybe thats because they aren’t USG ones 🙂 🙂 🙂

  4. Good work, most warranties aren’t worth squat. If they were honest and just wrote ‘this warrantee is void if you use the product’ then at lest the rest of the pages could be useful for other purposes, writing or drawing on.

    My panels came with a servicing warrantee clause, that was never going to happen. It was hard enough to organise the install, a predetermined date thats not raining or too windy, organise, cancel, miss work commitments for nothing, rebook and do it all over again after a three week wait. As fif I going through that every year – no thanks.

    My warrantee was void by the installers, walking all over the panels with their muddy boots. Took me ages to clean then.

  5. John Harrison says

    LOL reading there Guff sounds Like they are only useable in some God Foresaken Planet to Comply with there Warrenty Provisions ..! Well Good Luck to them the Dunderheads ..!

  6. I’m a little surprised the fact that the warranty is also void by “weather” hasn’t been highlighted. Being mounted on the roof, one would expect panels to be somewhat weatherproofed too. It also mentions “heat”, which is rather difficult to avoid in summer. 🙂

    As for lighting, perhaps it only refers to artificial lighting (such as streetlights) that damages USG panels rather than natural lighting from the sun. 😉

  7. Hedley Finger says

    Tedious repetitive unfunny drool. Yes, their warranty is ridiculous. If only your so-called satire was too; then it might be funny. Not that I am siding with ***, who are clearly scam by nighters. But don’t wear out Gmail and my time with any more turgid prose like this.

    *** Don’t want to give *** anymore oxygen — remember, there is no such thing as bad advertising.

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